Cross Purposes

This morning I went for a walk and stumbled across a revelation.

I was upset and discouraged and was trying to walk those feelings off -- hoping to find some direction along the way and maybe also running from my problems to some degree. And if all that failed, I could hope that it would at least be good for my heart and my hips!

The street I was on has house numbers painted on the curb in front of each house. It seemed that some industrious minor league entrepreneur had been through the neighborhood at some point, making his ends meet by painting house numbers because, though the colors and numbers were different, the style was the same. Apparently, he also offered to paint the homeowner's choice of insignia as part of the deal because there were OU (University of Oklahoma) houses and OSU (Oklahoma State University) houses and even an upside down Texas longhorn (a symbol from the traditional rivalry between Texas and Oklahoma).

But one house was different. One resident went beyond football fanaticism and rivalry and put their heart on their sleeve -- or, rather, their soul on their curb! One house has crosses next to their house numbers. My foot landed right next to this painted rectangle as I walked by and I walked on with this image of a Roman cross painted in metallic gold with black shadowing on my mind.

Something about that gold outshining the black stayed with me and I began to contemplate. Isn't it interesting that Christianity has taken the cross, an instrument of the brutal murder of Jesus, as it's most holy symbol? Have we FORGOTTEN what that cross was used for? Anyone who watches the History Channel knows full well that crucifixtion is a brutal, horrific way to die. It is murder AND torture. It is NOT pretty.

I really struggle with the whole crucifixtion concept. It just doesn't seems right to my mind that we are all so horribly bad that someone had to DIE for our sins. And that God would sacrifice his only son to a horrible death because we are so awful makes it even more challenging for me to reconcile. This part of Christianity has just never made sense to me and I have really worked at making peace with it but I keep hitting walls.

God has his own little laugh about me, I'm sure. Stuggle as I do with the whole crucifixtion thing, I also have a love for and collection of (you guessed it!) CROSSES! I have groupings of crosses hanging in two different places (one inside, one outside) around my house and a dozen or so pendants. They just fascinate me. It started as a collection of all things that people consider lucky or sacred: a four leaf clover, a rabbit's foot, a rune stone, a Native American medicine bag, a Bhudda figure, a St. Christopher medallion, a rosary, etc. But somehow the collection settled into just crosses. They're everywhere! I find new ones all the time. I guess that's because Christianity is so important to so many people. And this thought is what keeps me coming back to trying to make peace with Christianity in general and the crucifixion in particular. It must be a big deal to the masses because there's really something valid in it.

So as I walked I turned the contradictions of the cross symbol over and over in my head. Crosses were involved in the murder of Jesus. Crosses are a symbol of resurrection. Hmmm... And then something clicked: IT'S ALL ABOUT MAKING SOMETHING GOOD OUT OF SOMETHING BAD! Jesus's death was a horrible, brutal, tragic thing but God used it to show us something wonderful and beautiful: the renewal and transcendance of the Ressurection. Maybe I don't have to go around feeling all insulted that God thinks I'm so bad that only Jesus's death can save my soul. Maybe I can just focus on how God is showing me that there can be great good that comes from great bad. And even the worst bad (at least to me), death, ends up good in the end because we get to be resurrected somehow.

Sometimes, in down moments, I wonder if the point of life is just to see if we can pass the test of getting through all the trials without becoming totally discouraged, hopeless, and cynical. Sometimes bad things happen and I don't know how to make sense of it and I end up all bitter and angry with God. But maybe the answer to all these situations (and I haven't thought of an exception yet!) is that the point is to try to make something good out of something bad!

Let's test this theory for a minute. What's the worst thing that could happen? I could die. And what if I die? Well, that's ok somehow because I believe I'll either go to Heaven, to another incarnation, or into spirit form in the presence of God.

Professor Randy Pausch (author of The Last Lecture) got the death sentence of pancreatic cancer. Instead of plummeting into despair and curling up to die, he spun it to the positive and wrote a best-selling "gift" for his children, inspiring millions.

If you live in this area, you know the name Colleen Nick. A decade ago, her six-year-old daughter, Morgan, was abducted, was never found, and was, presumably, murdered. Colleen Nick rose above the horror and the despair and founded the Morgan Nick Foundation to give support to families with missing children (and she was given a new house by the TV show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition for her good work as well).

Once upon a time, Mark found himself in hard times. The only job he could find was as a minimum wage night stocker at Walmart. Finding oneself in this position could spiral even the best of us into hopelessness and depression. Mark walked in the first night with determination and the throught "I'm going to run this place someday!" He worked his way up to Manager in record time and, in the process, found his true passion: retail marketing and merchandising.

Ok, smaller examples now.

One day I was getting out of my car to go into Barnes and Noble where I like to write. As I juggled my purse, books, and computer getting out of the car my pen rolled under the car -- not just a little way under the car but right at the very mid-point of the car from both side to side and front to back. And this was not just any pen: it was the silver monogrammed pen that Mark had given me that I adore. DARN IT!

So I put down my load and crawled under the car to get it. I was frustrated and exasperated and all sprawled under my car retrieving my pen when a thought came to me: this is happening for a reason. Like one of those thoughts where you wonder if the reason you hit every red light was that God was delaying you enough to keep you out of that major accident, I felt strongly that the pen had jumped out of my grip and positioned itself in a challenging spot for a reason.

Now this was exciting! I knew that SOMETHING was about to happen and I had been given the awareness to get to watch it unfold! I recovered my pen, re-gathered my belongings, and headed for the front door of Barnes and Noble in heightened awareness... just in time to run smack dab into my friend David. David had recently, inexplicably, severed out friendship and cut off communication. I desperately needed some resolution and to make some peace with him. There was no other way I would have been able to see him. We talked briefly, cleared up the issue, and went on our way on good terms again. God had given us the gift of "coincidence" and reconcilliation. All because I dropped my pen!

I feel like I've been given a great answer by God: You see, Anne, when things get tough you're just supposed to try to make something bad into something good. It's THAT simple! And that's what you're supposed to do when you don't know what to do or how to handle a difficult situation.

Thank-you God. Now I understand. Now please just help me to remember that in a pinch!

Oh gosh! That last line sounded almost like a prayer! Prayer is another thing I'm struggling with. Maybe God has a two for one special going on today! If so, I hope you get yours too!

And one last thing! That guy who made some money painting house numbers on curbs. I'll bet you that wasn't his dream job. I'll bet that was an endeavor that came out of financial desperation. The lesson is: if you fall on hard times and have to resort to painting numbers on curbs, maybe you'll make the money you need. And maybe you'll give someone walking by a HUGE revelation from God! He will never know how he touched my life today!... Which reminds me of a story I'd like to tell you about a guy who stood on his head in front of a Coke machine outside a grocery store. Tune in for that one soon!